A Sticky Situation Ew, Ew, Ew!
by woodlandqueen1
Summary: Harry & Ron are stuck to each other LITERALLY. Will they survive until Snape developes the potion to seperate them?
1. Everytime You Masterbate God Kills A Kit

**A/N:** We're back baby. Yup that's right Fri & Pinko have returned (if you wanna know what happened to us…and my unfortunate muse check the bio). So here is our own brand of not-so-funny humour. We will be popping in chatting throughout this fic…whether you like it or not. So get reading and please review, well make you cookies if you do.

'Pah speak for yourself'

That's Pinko…and I'm truly sorry for inflicting her onto the world.

:

Chapter 1:

Every Time You Masturbate, God Kills A Kitten…

_So you've read this far and the title of the fic and the first chapter hasn't put you off…YOU ARE A SICK PERVERT…I'm just messin with yah. If you are thinking that Harry and Ron are stuck together by magical spunk then I'm afraid you will be very, very disappointed I just wanted to have a sick and twisted opening chapter title…_

Harry and Ron had been inseparable since their first year at Hogwarts. As soon as the two 11 year old cherubs shared that wonderful train ride together ow so many years ago they knew they would be friends forever.

Or at least that is what they and many other keen observers of there bond would have gathered.

It all began one hot summer's day in potions class…

"Mr. Potter…"

That voice, that voice that had scarred so many children's lives. That voice that had led so many teenagers straight into therapy. That voice that had filled so many young impressionable minds nightmares. Ok to be fair it wasn't exactly his voice…I mean how many people are afraid of someone's vocal tone. It was that wicked tongue that was feared world-wide, and it was right in Harry's ear…

_'What, why does Snape have his tongue in Harry's ear?'_

_'It's not in his ear, and thank you so much for giving away who 'the voice' is'_

_'But you have written…it was that wicked tongue blah blah and it was right in Harry's  ear…ow and you hardly have to be Miss Marple to figure out it's Snape'_

_'No, no, no, I meant Snape's voice is in Harry's ear'_

_'Ow…so we don't get no hot Snape on Harry action'_

_'No Pinko'_

_'You such…so bad' _

"Yeah" Uttered Harry (in a very impertinent tone.)

"Don't speak to me in that impertinent tone boy" Snape spat at Harry.

_'Dude, he spits on his students that's not right'_

_'Shut up Pinko'_

"Sorry sir" Harry stated without so much as a hint of meaning.

"Mr. Potter, what is the main ingredient in a Merger potion?"

"Um…arsehole" Harry muttered.

"WHAT?" Screeched the enraged Potion Master.

"I said asphodel" Harry said more audibly, desperately trying not to repeat his last comment.

"Congratulation Mr. Potter you have just created mustard gas, now would someone with half a brain like to answer me"

Without failure Hermione's hand shot into the air. During every class there is one thing you can count on and that is Hermione's hand will go up and down faster then a tarts draws.

"Anybody" Snape said purposefully ignoring Hermione while a cruel smile forming at the side of his mouth.

Hermione vigorously wiggled in her chair, her arm swinging from side to side desperate to catch Snape's attention.

"I didn't think so" Snape said maliciously.

"The main ingredient is…"

At just that very moment Ron sneezed in Harry ears.

_'Ow poor boy he's had a tongue and snot in his ear all in the space of 1 chapter'_

_'PINKO"_

"RON, yuck geez boy what the hell is wrong with you?" Yelped Harry.

"I dunno" Replied Ron looking at Harry like a cow would an on coming train.

"It was a rhetorical question"

Ron-cow-on coming train…again.

"R-H-E-T-O-R-I-C-A-L…never mind" Harry utter, he wasn't in the mood to crack open his Oxford Dictionary.

As Harry wiped the remaining traces of snot and phlegm out of his ear Ron mixed the ingredient.

"Um, Hazza what did Snape say the main ingredient was?" Said Ron confused as ever.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me Hazza?"

"I dunno" Cow-train expression.

"Oh no we're not getting into that again" Harry said exasperated.

_'Something I probably should have mentioned was that earlier in the year Ron had an unfortunate accident. Ron decided to follow Harry to Quidditch practise one day, as Harry tore through the sky Ron tracked his ever move (much like tennis watchers do). However as Harry performed a very risky sudden turn Ron slammed his head right into the pillar he was unfortunately standing next to. Breaking his fragile little brain for good. Harry found that treating Ron like a puppy very effective when ever he got to tiresome, every time he got on Harry tits he would smack the feeble boy on the nose and shout 'NO'.'_

Not wanting to suffer the Potion Masters wrath Ron grabbed the first thing to hand: Grindilow Powder_. (Can you tell I'm making this up as I go along?)_

And liberally added it to the mix. Suddenly a huge cloud of yellow smoke rose from the cauldron, within seconds the entire class room was full of the foul smelling concoction.

However, within these few short seconds a mass panic had engulfed the class. And during the mad rush for the one and only exit some bright spark had yell 'Ah mustard gas'. Harry thought that it sounded a lot like Ron's voice but the aforementioned redhead was clutching onto him so tightly he couldn't get a good punch in.

"Come on Ron, move it" Harry yelled.

However Ron had somehow slid to the floor and wrapped his arms around Harry's legs. Harry tried to take a step forward but only succeed in falling head first into the smoking cauldron. He screamed in pain, the potion wasn't at all painful but Ron had been pulled forward along with Harry and at the moment he had his knee in Harry's…delicate area.

As Harry struggled to get out of the cauldron, Ron squirmed next to him. Somehow they had managed to position themselves back-to-back…but still inside the cauldron.

It was at this moment that Harry realised that every time he moved Ron came with him.

_'Hee hee…Ron **came** **with** him'_

_'PINKO, this isn't one of **THOSE** fics'_

_Several readers press back space and search for some hot Harry/Ron slash_

_'OK OK maybe it is…in later chapters'_

_'Good girl'_

_'Don't push me Pinko'_

Now Ron was never very co-ordinated before the 'incident' and since then he had found it difficult to even slouch without falling off his chair. So Ron mimicking his ever move meant that something was very very wrong.

Just then Snape returned to the room and dragged the boys out of the cauldron. With one flick of his wand and a few impressive Latin words that I will never bother to add to this fic the smoke was gone.

"Well Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley I think you have some explaining to do" He said in a deadly…way.

_'Ow dear no running out of inspiration already are you?'_

_'Pinko, I swear to the gods…'  _

Harry was just about to blame it all on his dim witted side kick when he realise that he and Ron were still leaning back-to-back. As he moved to get up Ron came with him…

_'Hee…'_

"What the hell?" Harry exclaimed.

Harry was worried, Ron was not and Snape had a gleeful expression on his face…

Next Chapter:   'So She Was Like 'Uh-Huh' And I Was Like 'No Way'…'

:

**A/N (again sorry):** K so this is my first fic in a long time, I know the first chapter isn't funny but please bear with me it will get better I promise. Also if you have any suggestions as to what YOU would like to happen slip it into your review.


	2. ‘So She Was Like ‘UhHuh & And I Was Like...

**A/N: **I'd like to thank Jennifer and Snot Face um…I mean Lyn for there reviews. AlsoI noticed I didn't include a disclaimer and seeing as I don't want to get sued over this crappy story here goes:

**Disclaimer:** Neither I or Pinko own any characters, setting, props um…weather patterns included in any Harry Potter book and/or movie. J.K gets to keep them all to herself…greedy cow!

Chapter 2: 'So She Was Like 'Uh-Huh & And I Was Like 'No Way'…'

_(P.S again the chapter title has NOTHING to do with the contents of this chapter I just wanted to keep you bemused)_

"What's going on?" Harry asked trying his best to hide his terror.

"Well it seems that Ron added Gridilow powder instead of Griffin blood to the mixture, making a new strain of Merger potion" Snape uttered with the same gleeful and slightly scary smile.

_'Ow, ow was it anything like this –' _

_Pinko makes a scary/gleeful smile…with lots of teeth and her tongue poking in and out like a deranged lizard._

_'Um…no Pinko' _

"Congratulation you two can now class yourselves as inventors…or should I say **inventor**, I can't imagine how we are EVER going separate you two" He continued.

"You're loving this aren't you, you sick…" Started Harry.

However before he could finish his insult Professor McGonagall entered the room.

She took one look at Harry & Ron, turned around and exited the room.

"Thanks for the help" Yelled Harry after her.

Within mere second Dumbledore entered the tense potion room.

"Severus, Minerva appears to have gone in search of the liquor cabinet can you please stop her before she causes…a scene!"  Dumbledore stated with slight disproval in his voice.

_'Really your gunna go with every other fanfic and make Minerva a wino?'_

_'Yeah…what's your point?'_

_'Nothing, nothing…you do know that this makes you a crap author right?!'_

_'Ow yeah I know'_

_'Ow good'_

Everybody remembered McGonagall's last bender. Several students had found her semiconscious in the girl's bathroom. Her head half in and half out of a toilet bowl and singing Grease anthems.

"Ow but I wanna stay" Snape uttered like a child who had been ordered to his room.

Dumbledore gave Snape one of his don't-mess-with-me looks, and the potions master promptly left the room.

During this time Harry had managed to get himself and Ron to their feet, however because they where joined shoulder blade to shoulder blade Harry was forced to stand on tip-toes.

Dumbledore looked at the two boys.

"Explain" He finishing with an over exaggerated sigh.

A few minutes later Dumbledore had his explanation.

"So what do we do?" Asked Harry while trying to tame Ron from aimlessly wandering around the classroom. Harry was quite sure he didn't even notice that they where attached to each other.

"Well, the last of the antidote was used on Neville after he merged with that ferret last week besides I don't think what we had would be strong enough" Said Dumbledore quite calmly.

"…um…so this means what exactly?" Said Harry through gritted teeth, if Dumbledore didn't give him some answers he was gunna have to get sober on his ass.

_'Um…he'd have to get SOBER on his ass what the fuck does that mean?'_

_'Well Pinko, you know how fond I am of my thesaurus…'_

_Fri strokes her thesaurus tenderly._

_'And it said that sober is a synonym of serious, yup I thought it was soberly weird as well'_

_'Ow dear god that was a crap joke Fri'_

"Well Hazza it means you're screwed" Dumbledore smiled at him and attempted to leave the room.

"Ow no you don't Grandpa…" However before Harry could finish whatever sentence I was planning on writing before this idea popped into my head, Dumbledore grabbed him (and Ron I guess) and roughly put a hand over Harry's mouth.

"Harry for the love of Merlin's beard what do you think you're doing giving away the plotlines of book 7" Dumbledore roared _(hay that almost rhymes…sorry)._

"What?" Harry said in a muffled tone.

"You know, in the seventh book you discover I am you grandfather, Hermione who you have incidentally fallen in love with is your sister, Mad-Eye Moody is a Jedi master who teaches you how to harness – The Force – and that you are the most powerful Je- um…wizard **EVER**" Dumbledore reeled off all this expecting Harry to know what he's on about.

"Dude…either they need to up your medication or this is the wrong fic" Harry said. However he was sure Dumbledore wasn't listening to him; instead Dumbledore was wandering around the class room in slow motion with his arms swinging wildly making an odd 'Shroom' noise.

_(I would like to add that is what happens when you spend to much time on IMDB…um writing nonsense I mean not pretending you have a sabre)_

"Anyway" Said Dumbledore shaking himself from his trance.

"Come on we're into the second chapter and we haven't even left this room, get on with the plot" Ron yelled…then he returned to thinking of an appropriate name for his belly button.

_'That was out of character wasn't it boys and girls'_

_'Ow, ow, is Ron going to turn out to be really philosophical and intelligent by the end of this fic'_

_'No Pinko, I just realised Ron hadn't said anything yet in this chapter'_

_'Ow…'_

"Yes, well I suppose we could call Fudge and see if the Ministry has any Merger potion antidote left" Dumbledore said while trying to figure out what the last few paragraphs were all about.

Suddenly Fudge apparated into the room.

"Sorry we're all out" He said and then disappeared.

"Um, I thought Hogwarts had a spell on it so that people couldn't apparate into it" Harry said bemused.

"Yes well that bastard salesman confused me, 60% off the total price or front of the castle for free when you pay for the back and don't get me started on the whole pay no money for the first year until we send you a bill that will give you a coronary" Dumbledore muttered bitterly.

"So in other words anybody can apparate into Hogwarts" Harry asked.

 "…and what the fuck do they mean when they say you can pay over a period of 60 or 120 months why don't they just say years for fucks sake…um yes that mean anybody can apparate into Hogwarts"

**Queue random Voldemort appearance number one.**

Suddenly Voldemort randomly appears in the room.

"Hahahaha you are mine Harry Potter…" He made a weak lunge for Harry. However Dumbledore smacked him on the side of head and the rather stunned Voldemort just paused mid lunge.

"Sod off Tom this really isn't a good time besides aren't you suppose to be planning your uprising?" Dumbledore stated.

Voldemort straightened himself and turned around to Dumbledore.

"Are you kidding me? The whole thing is doing my head in I mean all I wanna do is take over the wizarding world and eradicate my sworn enemies but those bastard Death Eaters are still going on about changing there names they say Death Eater is too soft and kiddie-ish and Lucius is making matching costumes can you believe it" Voldemort finally finished and Dumbledore gently patted him on the back.

"There, there run along you can dismember Harry tomorrow" He said pinching Voldemort's cheeks.

"Kay" And with that Voldemort vanished.

"Well I guess that means Severus is going to have to make a new potion to separate you two I'll get him to start on it tomorrow" Dumbledore said completely ignoring what had just happened.

"WHAT TWO CHAPTER TWO FUCKING CHAPTERS WHERE DEVOTED TO YOUR SINILITY AND THE AUTHORS WARPED SENSE OF STORY TELLING JUST FOR YOU TO TELL US THAT SNAPE IS GUNNA MAKE THE POTION" Harry erupted.

"Yep pretty much" Dumbledore said while nodding his head.

"Ok then I'm to tired to care lets go Ron" Harry said pulling Ron away from something shiny in the corner. However because Ron was taller and stronger then Harry he managed to take the lead forcing Harry to walk backwards behind him. Ron walked over to the door, Harry tiptoed.  Ron grabbed the handle on the door and tugged…the door didn't budge. He pulled again but harder this time, again nothing.

"COME ON YOU SON OF A BITCH WHORE BASTARD WANK JOB OF A DOOR" Ron screamed, he had put one foot half way up the door and the other on the wall next to it and he was tugging with all his might.

"Um…Ron you have to push it" Harry said putting his head in his hands, this was going to be a long** LONG** day"

Next Chapter: 'Papa Smurf Can I Lick Your Ass'

**A/N:** My god that was a long chapter sorry I was kinda on a roll sorry. By the way I don't know if I'm going to turn that random Voldemort appearance into a recurring theme or not so tell me if you liked it not. Ow and the chapter titles are just to keep you entertained so the next chapter won't have any Papa Smurf/Smufete naughtiness.

P.S if the language offends anybody then fuck you mo'fo I'll write what I damned liked just kiddin yah, the rating is there for a reason.     


	3. Papa Smurf Can I Lick Your Ass?

**A/N:** Sorry about the delay but Pinko got arrested **AGAIN**, and I've had a few problems with the dreaded…Writers Block **'GASP'** ow I shouldn't have written that I'M DOOMED!

Chapter 3: Papa Smurf Can I Lick Your Ass!

(If you're wondering, it's a rap song…a very disturbing rap song)

Harry and Ron walked miserably down the hallway to the Gryffindor common room. Well actually Harry was miserable, Ron was quite happy he had decided to call his belly button Steve so all in all it was a very productive day for him.

When they finally got there (usually the trip would have taken 5 minutes but Ron wanted to play hide and seek and got very annoyed when Harry wanted to hide in the same place as him)…Hermione had a face like thunder.

_'Wow, wow why do you look so angry I haven't planned a storyline where you're pissed at someone'_

"I'm angry at YOU" Hermione replied to…well me.

_'Why…'_

"You haven't given me ANY lines yet, I wouldn't have minded if you would set me up with somebody…HINT HINT" she said to the annoyed author.

_'Author, pah'_

_'Sod off Pinko don't you have community service with those elderly people?'_

_'They kicked me out; apparently it's against the rules to set the fire alarm off and race the grannies'_

"Um, hello I'm still here" Hermione moaned.

'_Ow…damn, well who do you wanna be set up with?'_

"Dra–" She started

_'**NO**, I may follow the fanfic stereotype of making McGonagall a drunk and Dumbledore a blithering fool but I will not pair you up with Draco Malfoy!'_

"Ow…well what about a certain sexy potions master" She said twitching her eyebrows.

_'I don't feel comfortable pairing you with Snape I still haven't clarified how old you are yet'  _

"You could" She said desperately hoping she is a sensual 17 year old with huge tits and perfect skin.

_'Hmmmmm, nope'wicked smile_

"Well what about Remus?, he's a lot younger then Snape…well the actors are at least" She said her eyes lighting up.

_'Um…no, Remus has…gone missing' (very shifty eye movement) as screams can be heard in the background sounding something like 'For the love of god untie me, it's Remus you won't believe the depraved sexual acts she is performing on me…again this is REMUS' but it was so muffled we will never know…heehee.'_

_'Ow I know what about Neville?' _

"WHA–" She exclaimed her jaw hitting the ground.

_'Yep that's settled your boyfriend is Neville, now give him a kiss'_

Suddenly Hermione leapt into Neville's arms and kissed him hard.

"NO, NO MAKE IT STOP" She screamed. However because her mouth was open Neville seized the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth…Ew Frenchy! 

"Their doing naughty things" Ron gasped while covering his eyes.

"…Anyway" Harry stated trying to keep his eyes off of the sickening yet slightly arousing situation.

"Come on Ron I need to get some Quidditch practise in, that Draco Malfoy has been sticking it to me hard recently"

_'PINKO, stop writing sexual in-your-end-o's this is my story. Mine, now go sit in the corner' _

_'…M__o__t__h__e__r'_

Harry and Ron walked down to the Quidditch field when all of a sudden.

**Queue random Voldemort appearance number two**:

"Mwahahaha, yes once again within the space of a few short minutes I have randomly appeared so I can slay you" Voldemort cackled.

"That's a nice cape" Ron chimed staring at the billowing cape, granted there was no wind and it was being held up by strings it still looked very…nice.

"Ow thank you its real Italian silk; I was worried that the colour wouldn't suit my complexion but the gang just died when I showed it to them" He giggled. Harry stared at Voldemort for a moment trying to work out what had happened to Voldemort since their last encounter…it must have been that stint on 'Queer Eye For The Straight Guy' that finally broke him.

"Er, anyway prepare to die Harry Potter" Voldemort lunged at Harry again and for the second time he was rudely interrupted, this time by Lucius Malfoy.

"Sir, I can see you're awfully busy trying to mutilate Harry but what do you think of…Death Stalkers?" Lucius asked hopefully.

Voldemort straightened himself (once again), pinched the bridge of his nose and stared at Lucius. "What?" was all he could utter.

"The gang had a vote on the new name and it's a tie between Death Stalkers and The Blood Tasters, and well the blood tasters makes us sound like a bunch of vampires which is just…icky. I mean have you seen their fashion sense? And don't get me started on the whole anti-sun thing I mean have they ever heard of a sun bed **AND**–" Before Lucius could continue his frantic rambling Voldemort wrapped the strings that where holding his cape up around his neck and began to pull until Lucius' eyes bulged.

"This isn't over" Voldemort said weakly to Harry as he dragged Lucius' slightly purple body over the grass and vanished from sight.

Harry and Ron walked over the playing field completely oblivious to the fact that they had seen Voldemort twice already and Harry hadn't made one of his classic: 'You-killed-my-parents-making-me-an-orphan-and-incredibly-famous-you-bastard' speeches topped off with a false tear, chicks are suckers for the false tear!

Harry instead mounted his latest broom the Fast-As-Fuck 5000 accompanied by Ron. He pushed against the ground and they both shot into the air, they flew majestically across the sky until Harry started to feel a tugging sensation.

_'Get your minds out of the gutter…not that kind of 'tugging' sensation' _

Harry looked around to see that Ron was busily pulling out the bristles from the end of the broom while singing to himself "She loves me, she loves me not…".

"Ron, no…**STOP**" Harry screamed as they started to fall straight towards the ground.

"But that means she doesn't love me" Ron protested. From the ground it looked like Harry was performing the illustrious Wonski Faint…or whatever the hell it's called. However from the air it was much more apparent that Harry was…completely fucked!

The ground was getting closer and closer, however a new and improved problem had grasped Harry's attention. Ron being the heavier of the two, and what with him leaning against Harry's back, they were slipping off the end of the broom!

Within a few seconds Harry realised that they were no longer on the broom, and that in fact they were plummeting head first to the ground with at least 20 feet to go.

**18 feet**

**.**

**.**

**15 feet**

**.**

**.**

**9 feet**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**4 feet**

**…THUD…**

Harry felt the full impact of the fall, and when I say full impact I mean **FULL IMPACT**.

_'Really because when you said full impact I thought you meant empty distance'_

_'…--…I hate you'_

Ron being incredibly graceful at the most inappropriate moment had somehow steered Harry mid-fall underneath him and was at the moment lying on top of the poor boy. Just before Harry blacked out he was sure he heard Ron say with much excitement:

"Hay Harry its alright she loves me"

Chapter 4:  Exercise Everyday…Die Healthier!

**A/N:** Kay so that chapter wasn't great, but what about Hermione and Neville (in the distance Hermione's panic stricken screams can be heard)…ahem sorry about that Pinko just told her what's happening in the next chapter. And talking about the next chapter I find that reviews help my creative juices to flow…Ew…hint hint nudge wink ok you get my point!


	4. Exercise Everyday…Die Healthier!

**A/N:** Cheers to all the darlings that have reviewed, my god how British did I sound then?! Anyhoo enjoy this extra long chapter my computer is doing bastardly things so I don't know when I'll be able to update…

Chapter 4:

Exercise Everyday…Die Healthier!

Harry woke up several days later in the hospital wing. He didn't want to but Ron was bouncing on the bed so R&R went straight out the window.

"Harry you're awake" Ron shouted excitedly as he heard Harry groan.

"No, Ron I'm still asleep" Harry said sarcastically, Ron had to sit down and think about that.

Harry looked down and saw that he was wearing a lovely (?) set of grey hospital pyjamas, only there was a huge hole cut out of the back spanning from his neck to the base of his spine. Harry managed to pull Ron over to the full length mirror and stared at their joined spines. He couldn't find his glasses so the image was very fuzzy.

"Yuck" he muttered as he watched the bones contort every which way.

_Pinko runs in and starts poking at the deformed backbones 'Ew, it feels all squishy'_

Before Harry could swot the deranged girl away another one entered the room: Hermione.

"Hi guys, ow you have missed out on soooo much fun. Yesterday we had an unscheduled exam, I almost peed myself" she chirped.__

_'Thank you for that wonderful mental picture Hermione'_

_'Shut up Pinko'_

"Yeah, great fun" Harry muttered. "Would you mind telling me what exactly happened after our little…accident?" He continued.

"Well you broke both your arms and your left leg, you've been unconscious since then so Pommy put you back together in no time" she said calmly.

"What about him?" Harry motioned to Ron.

"A splinter" she uttered.

"WHAT, I BREAK THREE OF MY LIMBS AND HE GETS A SPLINTER" Harry screamed.

"Calm down Harry, anyone would think you wanted Ron to be hurt" Hermione replied.

– Deathly silence –

"…anyway you managed to land on your face so there wasn't much more damage" Hermione continued looking everywhere except at Harry.

"What, do you mean there wasn't much **more** damage?" Harry asked carefully.

"Well…um, er…maybe you should look for yourself" Hermione stuttered while handing Harry his glasses. He took them from her placed the arms behind his ears and watched them fall to the ground and smash.

_'Oh dear boys and girls that can't be good'_

_'Pinko, stop laughing'_

"Oh honestly" Hermione uttered while withdrawing her wand. "Fixie-upie" She cried pointing her wand at the broken glasses.

_'Um, shouldn't that be Reparo, not Fixie-Upie Fri?'_

_'…um…no' (shifty eye movement again)_

Harry picked the glasses up and just looked through them instead of trying to put them on.

"WHAT'S HAPPENED TO MY NOSE" Harry bellowed.

"Um, well…you kind of broke it…**off**" Hermione said nervously.

Harry stared at the blank spot where his nose used to be. It was completely flat, no nostrils, no cartilage…nothing, just skin.

"Wha, bu-, how…why-" Harry knew he wasn't making any sense so instead he decided the best course of action was…to kill Ron.

Harry reached behind himself and grabbed Ron around his neck, Harry squeezed until his hands when red. Then he squeezed some more.

"Harry, stop!" Hermione screamed tugging Harry's hands from Ron's neck. "It's not his fault…ok it is but–" Harry ignored Hermione and tried to grab Ron again.

Ron panic stricken ran around the room manically dragging Harry along with him. When all of a sudden:

**Queue random Voldemort appearance number three:**

_'How many of these are you going to do?'_

_'I'm going to keep writing them until the readers can't stand it anymore, Pinko' _

_'What if identical twin sisters who live in their other sibling's brain can't stand it anymore?'_

_'Well I'd suggest that person seek professional health, they sound like a complete nutter…anyhoo'_

"That's right Harry Potter I have returned again, you cannot defeat me for I am all powerful and–" Voldemort stopped his dramatic speech and stared at the quivering red head curled around his ankles. "Um, what are you doing?" Voldemort asked nervously.

"Harry's trying to kill me, but I think I lost him" Ron stated looking from left to right but not behind himself. "Idiot" Harry's muffled voice said, his face was pressed hard against the floor and without a nose breathing was quite difficult.

Ron rose to his feet (and so did Harry obviously) as Hermione joined them on the other side of the room. Harry brushed himself off and faced Voldemort not at all surprised that he was back.

"Are you going to lunge at Harry again?" Hermione asked hopefully.

"Um, well I don't think I should. My last few attempts weren't very successful and I've…kind of lost faith in my lunging ability" Voldemort said hanging his head and wringing his hands awkwardly.

"Ow, you poor thing. I didn't know you have such low self-esteem, you can do it just give it a go" Hermione said gently while stroking his arm.

"Ow, alright then" Voldemort chirped happily. He lunged forward but paused midway, scanned the room for potential interrupters then continued his lunge.

Voldemort was mere millimetres from Harry when Madame Pomfray smacked him on the side of the head. For the third time Voldemort straighten himself upright, combed back his hair with his fingers then turned to the nurse.

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Voldemort ran from the room tugging at his fleshly straightened hair.

_'Poor love, all he wanted to do was maim Harry a little' Pinko dabs her eyes with a tissue._

_'I know Pinko, I know' (welling up a bit)_

"Honestly I can't be having these distractions, do you have any idea how hard it is to make a nose when all you have to work with is Silly Putty and a Dulex colour chart?" Madame Pomfray gasped throwing her hands into the air.

"Come on, your fine now you can go to class" she pushed Harry, Ron and Hermione out of the door while muttering something about second-rate school and sleeping her way to the top for nothing!

Hermione led Ron down to their next class, Harry just let Ron drag him there while he repeated the words Silly Putty and Dulex over and over again.

(::)

The group finally managed to get to their class, however on the way Hermione had to persuade Harry down from a window ledge. They had been passing Snape in the corridor when he spotted them, he took one look at Harry's nose-less face, fell to his knees and for the first time laughed until he choked on his own breath.

They all took their seats next to each other, however Harry and Ron had to sit sideways across a chair. McGonagall staggered into the room, while the door was open they could still hear Snape's manic cackle in the corridor.

"It appears that Professor Snape is having a break down so I will be teaching today's Charms class instead of Professor Flitwick" she said airily.

_'Huh, that doesn't make any sense. Why can't Flitwick teach his own class?'_

_'Ow it's very simple…I couldn't think of a plausible reason why McGonagall would be teaching that particular class so I just left the explanation out'_

_'Ow fair enough'_

"Today you are going to be performing silencing charms on each other" McGonagall said slouching into the chair while everyone paired up.

"Remember, twirl, flick then the incantation…on my count, one, two, three" she said pulling out a copy of Heat (the magical world version of course).

Every wand in the class rose, twirled and then flicked followed by the infamous words: 'Shud-uppa-you-face'.

A beam of white light sped from every wand and hit well…everyone.

_'Your eloquence gets more and more profound with each chapter Fri'_

_Fri pulls out her wand faces Pinko and shouts 'Shud-uppa-you-face'_

_'You do realise you just referred to yourself as the third person right?'_

_Fri bangs her wand on the computer monitor 'I knew I shouldn't have bought a wand on E-Bay'_

The class sat there silently waiting for McGonagall to tell them how to undo the silencing spell. Instead she just continued turning the page, letting out gasps of "Oh my gods" and "Those are fake for sure" every so often.

Hermione handed a piece of parchment to Harry, on it was written:

Doesn't Voldemort look fit!?

Harry stared at her for a moment, shook his head wildly then wrote something down on the parchment as well. It read:

EW EW EW EW i fort u an Nevil woz goin out

Hermione stared at the words hating the fact that's she couldn't yell at Harry for the atrocious spelling and grammatical errors. Instead she wrote:

We are, well we were until this morning.

Harry read it then replied with:

_'This is getting really annoying'_

_'PINKO'_

Woz apend?

Hermione replied with:

He said that 'I'm not dareing enough' and that 'I need to be more rebellious'. That is just absurd, I rebel…well in controlled, moderate doses.

Harry quickly scanned the note, he could see that Hermione was upset, so being as sympathetic as possible he replied with:

U spelt daring wrong!

Hermione glared at him then wrote something else down:

I'll show him, I'm going to rebel so much I'll make Sid Vicious look like Cliff Richard!

Harry stared at Hermione like she had lost her mind then quickly scribbled:

old it. So far since joinin ogwarts u ave broke every school rule numerous times, aided and abetted an Azkaban runaway, gone back in time and u ave a near def experience every weak, all of this befour your 13th berfday…and Nevil still finks your not rebellious enough!!??

Hermione just nodded along, then felt very cheated at the fact that she was still only 12 years old.

_'Wait a minute Fri I have a story to tell you'_

_'Really Pinko, go on then'_

_'A long time ago in a kingdom far, far away there lived a magical wondrous thing called **CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER**. So far you have mentioned Sirius and Lupin so that means Hermione has to be at least 13, and because she went back in time near the end of the year she must be close to 14. But definitely not 12'_

_'Um, er…yes well I can explain that…**MY STORY, MY RULES** kay!'_

Harry quickly scribbled on the very full parchment:

Wot u gunna do?

Hermione just smiled at him screwed up the parchment and lobbed it across the room, the ball of paper hit McGonagall square between the eyes. She looked up abruptly, opened the paper and read it.

"Yes I'd do Voldy any day" She chimed before returning to her mag.

Hermione just sat red faced and angry next to Harry.

Next chapter: Consciousness: That Annoying Time Between Naps.

**A/N:** Sorry about the length but I don't know when I'll be able to update again. So what wild and crazy things is Hermione going to do next? Drop a pencil, maybe or even call Snape a poopy-head well you'll just have to wait and see…p.s REVIEW please.


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